Monday, April 30, 2012

We Are the Band called Socket! 2.1

“SOCKET” 2.0

The following is based on a true story.

   An old man runs frantically toward the camera, waving his arms. His white shirttails hang out in ragged strips and he looks as though he has not slept in days. His hair stands on end as he starts shouting.
   “They must be stopped!”
     His wrinkled face fills the frame, bleary eyes ablaze with fear. He is clearly deranged.
   “The Robots must be stopped!! God help us, they’ll destroy us all!!”

   A darkened auditorium, rumbling with the steady throb of anticipation. The fans begin taking their seats: some light their cigarette lighters, others stamp their feet. A single bass note rings out in the darkness, deep and insistent. All heads turn toward the midnight stage, wondering what is to come. There is a sudden flash and all Hell breaks loose! With the roar of a thousand cannons the drums begin pounding, triggering a series of brightly colored strobe lights. In the noise the disoriented crowd can only make out the silhouettes of four figures standing in the smoke and light. The fans crane their necks and stand tiptoe, watching, waiting. A searing guitar rhythm cuts through the cannon fire, thunderous and dissonant. The crowd begins screaming. The steady machine gun pulse of the bass guitar joins the cacophony as the room reaches a fever pitch. The mass of people heaves to and fro like a tide as the fanatics rush the stage headlong, heedless and sweating. A single explosion shakes the room as a front light bank kicks on, finally revealing the band as their opening song slams into gear. A square sign illuminates reading CLAP YOU BASTARDS. The band is unlike anything you have ever seen, mechanical and fierce in their precision. The crowd roars as a huge lighted backdrop spells out the name in blinding fifteen foot letters: SOCKET!

Cue Music: Theme from Socket

   The camera pans in and we see the front man clearly for the first time. He stands illuminated in a brilliant shower of sparks and light, his shoulder length blonde hair undulating in the wild. He grips a microphone stand in his hands and plants his legs firmly apart. He tosses his head back and screams the song of the night as his crystal eyes blaze! He is the androgynous vocalist known only as Isaac!


    Brought back to Earth after the Virtual War, Isaac found himself jobless and
desperate. Originally designed as an assassin and saboteur for use in the War, the social and artistic programming of a trained killer found little welcome in the changed environment of 2613 A.D. The Galactic Commonwealth had long since outlawed Simulants, as they were known, after a brutal and bloody uprising. As a Simulant, Isaac is not bound by the Three Laws of Robotics, and is to all outward appearances….human. Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
   Abilities: adjustable molecular density, influence, and various unknown technologies stolen from alien spacecraft.


   Samael is the only member of Socket who was once a living breathing man. Rumor
has it that some of his components are still indeed organic, though few people have endured his caustic wit long enough to find out. The legend says that after a limousine crash, Samael was pieced back together with cybernetic parts. Granted this was long before the current body mod trends practiced now by troubled wealthy teens. Every few years his parts needed upgrading until most of his body was consumed by circuitry and weird gizmos. After several decades no one could tell which parts were real and which were synthetic. As a direct result of this, Samael is obsessed with human females in the misguided belief that frequent sexual contact helps him retain his humanity. He is by turns charming to women and sarcastic to men. As a man, he is not subject to the Three Laws.
   Abilities: Mechanically enhanced strength and weaponry, detective skills.

The Pilot

   Manufactured in the 2300’s by the Sony Robot Company, the Pilot is the oldest member of the group. Fully mechanical with limited vocal simulation, Pilots were created as upper atmosphere Shuttle drivers, capable of many complex operations at once and nearly indestructible. The Pilot is often affectionately referred to as “the Hammer” in reference to his old call number HAMR-19, so designated as a High Altitude Mechanical Repair robot. Pilots require little or no nutrients and are fully nuclear powered. Currently legal on Earth. Bound by the Laws. A symbol of a simpler time.
   Abilities: Rapid complex analysis. Limited hovering capability.


   Deeply philosophical, Ren7 shuns the material aspect of the music scene. He spends
his afternoons in quiet contemplation, pondering the great mysteries of the universe. And watching cartoons. As guitar player for Socket, he is the artistic member that others admire. As a completely mechanized automaton, he continually searches for the answers that elude him. He practices Zen Buddhism, an ancient religion which died out in the 22nd century, because of its simple approach to profound truth. Most organics mock him, for good reason. His tiresome litanies bore even the most patient listeners to tears. Approach with caution!
     Abilities: Proficient in all forms of martial arts. Telescopic, X-ray and infrared vision.

Professor Aloysius Strange

     A two hundred year old inventor, Professor Strange is believed by many to be the man who “discovered” Socket. After decades of extensive scientific research, Professor Strange returned to his first love- music! By turns both fearlessly creative and bizarre, he has developed a deep and abiding love for his robots.

Episode I – “Immaculate Contraption”


Fade in:
City Exterior- Night

     Aerial  view  of  factory. Camera  pans  in  to  one  brightly  lit  window. Samael  sits
hunched over the opened hood of an aircab, working in silence. A lit cigarette dangles from his mouth. Several of his robotic coworkers begin murmuring and looking out the window. Samael looks up. From his perspective camera pans out the window and tilts toward the sky to reveal the Socket symbol- a musical note in the form of a wrench- superimposed on an orange moon. Across town a siren wails.
     Close-up of Samael’s face as the image is reflected on his retina. He stands and raises his hand into the shot, pulling off a grease-stained glove to reveal his metal hand. He clenches his fist. He pulls the cig out of his mouth and flicks it off camera.


Let’s f**king light this candle!

Close-up of rear tail-light lens. Distorted reflection of:

     Samael leaps out the window and lands in the Socketmobile parked in the street below. Socketmobile roars away from camera, striking trash container. Sound of a cat screeching.

     An environmentalist jumps off his bicycle and shakes his fist, coughing in the exhaust plume.

Environmental Guy:

Samael: (in the distance)
***k you!
From the rear seat the Pilot lurches into position.
The Pilot: (in a prerecorded tone)
Good Day citizen.
Hey Amigo! What’s the drill?
The Pilot: (in the voice of PStrange)
It’s no drill Samael. Pick up Ren7, and meet me at the Compound immediately.
No sweat Professor. Whaddawe got here? Nuclear renegade? Alien invasion? Party at Rick James’?
The Pilot (in the voice of PS):
This is most serious Samael. It’s the First Daughter….she’s been kidnapped. We are in haste!
No s**t!

     Samael guns the engine and side jets flare to life.
Pilot, all speed….kick the tires and light the fires!
Pilot: (in metallic voice)
Roger Roger.

     The exterior shot streaks to a blur. The Socketmobile approaches the heart of the city at impossible speeds and angles, hitting dogs, mailboxes and Christmas decorations. (Plastic Santa Claus and reindeer)

Samael: (loudly above the rushing noise)
How long to Ren7’s?
31 seconds.

Samael: (disappointed)
But I’m in a hurry!
The Pilot:
Roger Roger.

     The Socketmobile streaks away in a burst of light.

Interior- Ren7’s apartment

     Samael pushes on the shoji style door and his big metal hand pushes right through, snapping the wooden frame and tearing a big hole in the paper. Ren7 sits on the floor lotus position, meditating.

Ren7: (looking at the damage)(dialogue badly dubbed) (SUBTITLED)
Not Again?!
Next time get a normal door! It looks like a Vietnamese prison camp in here.
Ren7: (in mild disgust)
Next time why don’t you just honk the horn?
On your feet there Wang Chung! We got work to do!
Let me just gather a few necessities.

    Ren7 goes to the closet to withdraw two long swords, gleaming chrome weapons that hum and crackle with electrically charged violence. He slides them into his leg scabbards with a ringing sound.

Ren7: (understated)
Preparation is the key.
Samael: (sarcastic)
I mean are you you have enough diabolical weapons of destruction? We could always stop at the Walmart and get some kitchen knives or something....
Let’s go.

Wipe to:


Exterior shot of Strange Compound

Interior shot of Strange Lab/ Socket Ready Room

     Professor Strange enters the meeting room where the others are all waiting. Isaac is slouched on a chair looking bored. As the Professor walks in a great fanfare of music blares. The Professor is wearing his latest invention, the Personal Soundtrack Vest.

Professor Strange:

Hello my friends. You are probably wondering why I have summoned you all together once again.

     He looks around the room.

Toilets backed up again?
Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest?
You summoned us all together?
A predictably droll response. No, I am afraid that this news is far more grave.

    The Professor leans forward ominously as the vest’s music swells to a dramatic BOM- bom BOM.
Professor: (dry)
Perhaps this will waste less of my valuable time. Please watch this!

     The Professor flicks a switch and several loud video screens pop to life, illuminating a large media bank. Talking heads from around the world anxiously report that the President’s daughter is missing.

Media reporters:

….presumable foul play is a concern….
….believed his controversial policies led to….
….where the search continues at this hour. Several clues remain at the scene of….
….have not ruled out Rick James as a suspect until….
….unprecedented global search. Several independent agencies combine efforts to retrieve….

     The final image shows a portrait of the PD, smiling in a less serious moment. A caption beneath her photo reads- Ashley Henderson: Missing

Well? Now do you understand?
Samael: (leering)
Yeah you old dog! She’s hot!
No you idiots! I don’t want the girl! This is the chance for you to use your uncommon talents to save the girl and become media darlings….
I don’t think I want to be a darling! It sounds so crass....
Me neither…
There will be a great deal of exposure for the band. From a publicity standpoint alone….
Aw, you’re bringing me down Ringo. This caper’s for squares!
You are not envisioning all of the possibilities. You could even meet the President….
Samael: (shaking his fist)
That jerk off! His motorcade ran over my dog last year!

Samael takes out a photograph of his beloved dog. As he gazes at the photo his eyes tear up. Oil drips onto the photo frame.

Regardless this matter requires out attention.
Man she is smokin’. You can count me in. I’m all over this one…..
Your predictable response suggests an inevitable solution. Are we in concurrence?

No response.

It means are you with me?


This parchment was found at the scene. It seems to be a hieroglyph of some sort….Can anyone decipher this script?

Of course! I am fluent in over three million forms of communication.
     He grabs the parchment with an air of smug superiority.
What’s all this then….crane, sun, eye, a man reaping grain, uh…a squiggly line, another bird of some kind….
A**hole! Give me that! Save your bullshit posing for Channel 93!
     Samael scans the document.
Isaac: It should be obvious to anyone!
Ren7: Anyone on mushrooms anyway....
Well let me try then....Yeah, just what I was afraid of. This is a rebus, and an old one at that. It says, “I met a man upon a stair, but as I looked he was not there.”
     He holds it to the light.
….and there’s a faint outline of a map. Pilot, can you scan this?
     Samael feeds the document into a slot in the Pilot’s Midsection. It makes a noise like an old fax machine.
Pilot: (in Australian Crocodile Hunter narration)
Carbon dating shows that this document is over four hundred years old. The map appears to be the Aerosmith Museum.
Most extraordinary! A combination of time-travel, technology and third rate poetry!
But that means….

     All heads turn to face the camera.

Ren7: (whispers)
Doctor Nobody….
Samael: (close-up) (deep buzzing sound and eyes glow)
I f***king hate this guy!


The Confrontation:

      The Socketmobile screeches to a halt on front of the old Stadium, striking the
mailbox. Papers fly. The sound of a monkey chattering. Amid much clanking and buzzing the members of Socket leap out to face their adversary. In a swirl of fog Dr. Nobody appears.
Dr. Nobody:
I’m pleased you deciphered my simple map, which led you all into this trap. I seek the Pilot, nothing more: you can all go home and end this chore.
Isaac: (steps forward)
Where is the girl?
Ah, I recognize you, brotherless one. The last of your kind, the one from ten, why do you lead these mechanical men?
That tears it! I’m not taking this from him, he’s not even using correct meter!
     Samael leaps at DN who disappears in a swirl of fog. As Samael plunges past the spot where DN was, he crashes again headlong into Environmental Guy’s bicycle, crushing it.
My scooter!
     DN rematerializes behind him.
Metal fool! I can’t be snared. I came to this fight quite prepared! My minions join me now of course. The tools I require, I’ll take by force!

     The Loathsome Cadre approaches in a long shot. Steam rises behind them.
Pilot: (50’s robot voice)
Johnny Punchclock steps forward, glaring at his foe Isaac.
Johnny Punchclock:
Now is the hour you will be destroyed. I will devour your life and shit out your worthless metal skull!
Smooth talking won’t save you this time!
     The two pummel each other, rock-em sock-em robot style. Isaac knocks Johnny’s head off, revealing a giant spring.
JP’s head :(now on the ground)
“It’s only a flesh wound!”

     The Sisters hover into striking position near Ren7 and Samael.
     Samael slumps to the ground.
Oh God….no!
Remember….a dock beside a woodland cabin…two children unattended….chill water slaps the moorings….
Oh God it’s all my fault!
    Samael sobs, inconsolable. Ren7 runs up and puts an arm around him.
There, there. Just let it all out.
    Ren7 looks at the camera and shrugs.
Ren7: (amused)
     Ren7 grabs Samael by the lapels and slaps him twice.
     Get a hold of yourself! Hold on to your consciousness or the last real part of you will die!
But I was supposed to be watching her….I was twelve….I ran back to the house to get our fishing poles and by the time I came back she had fallen in….
     Samael falls face first into the dirt and there is a strange sound.
Samael you must come back. You are all that is left of that family, even the girl’s great- great-grandchildren are gone now. All that remains is your memory of her. You must come back!
Samael: (sitting up)
Yeah….you’re right!
     He stands and shakes his head with a loud ratcheting sound. Ren7 draws his sword and whirls it in a circle over his head, creating a sonic boom that knocks the Sisters unconscious. The waiting authorities usher the Sisters into a special armored Patrol car.
That was easy enough.
     Behind his back looms a large and menacing armor plated assassin robot. Blades on his shoulders grind.

The Duel:

     The sound of a large Chinese gong reverberates.
Long Shot:
     Both characters square off, swords still sheathed.
     Ren7’s eye. In its reflection we see his opponent.
     The two begin running towards each other in silence, unsheathing swords with a loud “shing!”
     A quiet sunlit grove, between the fronds of a fern a grasshopper rubs its legs together.
Sound effect: “ricket-ricket-ricket”
     The sun in a cloudless sky, heat waves shimmering.
     The characters leap toward each other in obvious Matrix parody, motionless in the air.
Close shot: Ren7 suspended in air as horizon and clouds streak past him in delayed fashion, Anime style. We can hear his thoughts as he psyches himself up.


     He will be fast but I must be faster.
     He will be sharp, I must be sharper.
     I am a little bit country, he’s a little bit Rock ‘n’ roll.

     With a clang their swords meet. They whirl and strike, the sparks from their blades cause a roaring fire in the underbrush.

     Amid the flames we see Samael with an apron on, holding a beer can. With the other hand he toasts a sausage on the end of a stick. His apron reads “Kiss me I’m Irish.”

Doctor Nobody:
You fools, we’re wasting precious time! I have fulfilled out perfect crime. This futile battle cannot be won, take up our stolen prize and run!
     There is a green flash and Doctor is gone.
Punchclock steps forward, glaring with malice at Isaac.
I’ll be back….for you.
Isaac: (sneering)
I’ll leave the light on.
     There is a second green flash and Socket stands alone beneath the streetlight. The museum curator stumbles out in to the street.
It’s gone! The Forgotten Orb of the Continuum! It’s gone!
Samael: (confused)
Why do they call it that?
I forget.
     The Professor leans into the shot.
This omen is less than propitious.
That’s what I was going to say.
Hmmm. A curious theft on his part. I wonder why he wanted the orb. It would be useless without a contained atomic processor. Much like the one on the Pilot….
     All heads turn around as they realize.
The Pilot is missing!
     The Professor reaches for his vest searching for the sound effect bom-BOM-bom. He accidentally starts playing “Baby got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot.
My fault.


Interior – TV STUDIO

Bridget Malmsteen:
Hello and welcome to Channel 1193’s Music For Nations. On today’s show we have a glimpse into a fascinating cultural phenomenon, both loved and reviled throughout the world, most of you already know who I am talking about, the mechanical rock group that goes by the name of Socket. Joining us in the studio today are two of the key members of the band, bass player Samael….and founder of the band Professor Aloysius Strange. Gentlemen thank you for joining us.
We are privileged to be here.
Samael: (throwing the goat)
You wanted the best, you got the best.
Professor I’ll start with you….you have been called the discoverer of Socket, and as of this time you are the legal owner of Socket, is this correct?
That is correct.
And as such, are solely responsible for their actions.
I’d like to think so.
The decision to use Robot assistance in the search for the First Daughter was a difficult and controversial one.
And she’s hot too, man. Oh yeah I know her. She’s got a couple a new parts herself if you take my meaning…
Ahem! Decorum prohibits the details!
Aw c’mon Professor. Not all of us are over a hundred years old.
Actually you are and I will thank you to remember it!
This brings me to my next question….Samael. It is rumored that though you are semi-
Mechanical, you maintain an active interest in females….
Hell Yeah! I’m a chick magnet!
Yes, but in light of your obvious physical shortcomings, isn’t this sort of congress, well….impossible?
Why don’t you stop by headquarters later….and find why they call me the Man of Steel?
     Legal disclaimer flashes on screen. “No one has ever called him the Man of Steel.”
     Samael winks with a loud metallic clank.
Bridget: (squirming in chair and laughing)
Ouch. Aren’t you a feisty one! Does that mean that you still possess the uh….how can I say this delicately….the apparatus for male-female contact?
Well put it this way doll….I’ve got a shovel handle in the basement.
Bridget: (blushing)
So the rumors of women being violated after the shows have some merit?
Samael: (lighting a cigarette)
Only the lucky ones.
Are any of your components actually human?
Yes, because….
Cut Scene: Samael in English smoking jacket and cravat, filling his bubble pipe Hugh Hefner style.
I am trained in the art ....of sexiness.
He takes a long sensual draw on the pipe. “bidibidibidibidi.........”
Professor: (interrupting)
Well I have had to replace most of it. The organic parts just don’t hold up over the years. Osteoporosis, Juggler’s despair, Bromidrosis….people just don’t last. So as the parts failed I just kept going. Eventually this was all that was left….
Well, I do still have my brain.
Ah, actually that’s not quite true either….
What do you mean?
There was an unfortunate incident some years ago….an accident, a terrible unfortunate humorous accident.
Oh no….I think I see where this is headed.
     He hangs his head in his hands with a clank.
It only seemed like prudent sense at the time….to download the contents of his consciousness onto a disk. While I was in the other room making a sandwich the dog got a hold of the brain jar. Actually he ate most it….The brain I mean, not the sandwich.
Now even zombies won’t want me! I need a drink.
    He cracks open a large can, spraying a little foam on the others. The label reads Tasty Pancakes Brand: Fish Paralyzer. He takes a big gulp.
So his brain isn’t human either?
Not actually, no. Not in the organic sense. Although all of his memories and mannerisms are intact.
Well, that explains his insensitivity and inflated sense of self.
PS: (resigned)
He was like that before too. As a man he was difficult at best.
This blows!
Audience laughter.
Bridget: (regains control)
How do you explain the unexpected success of the band?

Well one thing became apparent very early on, and that’s that the chicks really dig me. It’s a curse really, but we all have our cross to bear. For my part, I just want to please the fans.
     A thrown tomato strikes Samael’s forehead. The old man from the opening scene stands in the audience, wearing a H.A.R.M. t-shirt.
Robot go home! Free the People!
That’s it Grandpa! Time for an ambulance ride!
     Samael leaps toward the old man but is restrained by security. The old man runs for the exit. Samael breaks free and chases him down the hall.
Hmmmm. Alrighty then. Let’s stop wasting time, shall we? Our purpose here is to contact the Loathsome Cadre. You have something we want.
     The TV screen behind them lights up. It’s the image of DN. A caption beneath him reads: Dr. Nobody- Deranged Super Villain- only on Channel 93!
Metal fools you’ve failed again! I have the Where, now comes the When!
I don’t think so, my evil friend. I foresaw the danger of the Pilot’s atomic processor being misappropriated by fiends. That’s why I’ve removed this.
     The Professor holds aloft a small D size battery.
I’m afraid without the batteries you’ll find time travel quite impossible.
DN: (eyes bulging in anger)
Save your precious breath. In saying this you’ve chosen Death.
The Stadium on the west side, meet us there in fifteen minutes. And bring the girl!

Exterior Shot- in front of the abandoned Stadium
The sign out front reads:
Thursday Night-Evil Mastermind Battles Socket
Friday Night- Star Trek Convention
Saturday Night- Olsen Twins Film Festival

The Socketmobile careens up to the Stadium, slams into a parked school bus.
Isaac: (leaning forward, sniffing)
That wicked evil man! He’s released some form of toxic gas!
Uh…actually that was me.
There he is!
     Dr. Nobody stands beneath the streetlight, alone.
Ah, they’ve arrived! My metal friends. But can they triumph? That depends….
     The Doctor bows with a grand flourish.
I must complete my Master Plan. Tin men….catch me! If you can….
     Samael leaps from the Socketmobile, gears grinding as the car screeching to halt. He strikes the lamppost, toppling it. The sound of an elephant trumpeting.
This motherf**ker is getting under my skin.
You don’t have skin.
It’s time to unleash the Metal!
DN: (grinning wickedly)
My purpose I cannot reveal to empty headed men of steel.
Samael and Ren7 attempt the tackle simultaneously and of course at the last instant the Doctor disappears in a green swirl. The two robots collide and then collapse to the ground, their arms and legs entwined. The Environmental guy threads his way through the wreckage on his bicycle and sees the two of them.
Environmental Guy:
Why don’t you two get a room?
Samael: (jumping to his feet)
Beat it tree-hugger.
Ren7: (looking for DN)
Where does he go? And how does he do that?
Come out and play, you rat bastard! Are you afraid to get your prom dress dirty?

     Isaac walks slowly toward the fray. At the end of the alley Punchclock is waiting in the shadows. Tumbleweed blows past, then a cinder block.  Spaghetti Western music plays.
Welcome to the party, dead man….
     There is no sound but the metallic crunch of his fists clenching and unclenching.
Thank you for the invitation, my cousin. Prepare for disassembly.
     Isaac assumes a fighting stance. His eyes glow red.
I’m going to make you pay for what you did.
I forgot my wallet. Will this help?
     Isaac lunges at Punchclock like a battering ram; a deafening clang rings out as their metal skins collide. The pavement beneath them cracks and shudders. Punchclock swings a large metal chain and instantly Isaac’s eyes glow green. Isaac becomes insubstantial as the chain swings harmlessly through his midsection.
You cannot harm me. You are but a pale copy!
     Punchclock spits on the ground and reaches in to the pocket of his jumpsuit.
Is that a fact?
     He holds aloft a small globe.
I’ll blow us all to Kingdom Come!
     The First Daughter leaps into the scene.
Samael: (not paying attention)
What did he say?
Something about blowing us all!
     Everyone stops fighting for a second and just looks at Ashley.
That s**t is f**ked up!.

     Punchclock flicks a tiny switch on the globe and a loud voice begins counting.
Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen.
Interior Shot- Nobody’s Lair
     The Professor sneaks inside the building amidst the fracas. He finds the Pilot inside, deactivated. Feverishly he begins rewiring him. We can hear the voice of the bomb counting down.
Quickly now! Is it the red wire or the green wire?
     The PSV emits a tension inducing string section.
I must concentrate!
     The Professor wipes the beads of sweat from his forehead as the strings shriek.
Only seconds remain. Where is my lethonometer?
     The strings build to a fever pitch. The telephone rings.
PS: (frustrated)
Hello? No the Doctor is indisposed.
     Indistinct chatter on the other end.
Yes I will tell him. No I’m not sure if he has it. Hold on let me get a pencil.
     The Professor rummages through the end table, searching.
Okay I’ve got it. 236-9946. Done. Okay. No, it’s no problem, I will have him call you, Dr. Love.
     The Professor hangs up as the strings build.
Okay where was I? Transistor housing stabilized, dory flanges counter-weighted….
     Dr. Nobody’s dog approaches, whining. He holds a leash in his teeth.
Oh for God’s sake! Now? Agh, alright.
     The Professor takes the dog for a walk around the block. As the dog urinates on a flowerbed, we can hear an old woman reprimanding the Professor. After the dog finishes his business, the Professor sprints back to finish working on the Pilot.
     As the Professor sits back down we realize that he is almost out of time, as the strings are very unnerving. The Professor’s stomach rumbles and he clutches his midsection in obvious discomfort. He leaps up and runs into the bathroom. He runs back out and grabs a magazine, then closes the bathroom door behind him. We hear a groan of disappointment and he emerges shaking his head.
Interior shot- Grocery Store
     The professor stands inline at a mega-mart, squirming while he waits to pay for his purchase, a jumbo-pack of toilet paper.
PS: (yelling at the lady in front of him)
Hey the sign ten items or less!
Old Lady:
Just wait your turn numb nuts.
     As the old lady approaches the cashier, a siren sounds and balloons descend from the ceiling. A sign drops reading “One Millionth Customer”. A camera crew runs out to capture her reaction as a store employee presents a gift basket.
     The Professor looks at his watch and groans.
Interior shot- Nobody’s Lair
     The Professor emerges from the bathroom looking relieved. The strings have reached a fever pitch. We can hear the countdown proceeding outside. The tension is unbearable.
This music isn’t helping….hold on.
     The Professor switches the setting on his vest, which abruptly starts playing Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.”.
There, that’s better. Sort of.
     The Professor turns a wrench and the Pilot awakes, ready for action.
Pilot are you functioning properly?
Pilot: (Opening eyes and leaning forward) (in James Earl Jones voice)
Luke...I am your father...
PS: (doubtful)
I guess that’s close enough....We must rejoin the others!
Pilot: (Cylon voice)
By your command.   
Exterior shot- Street

     Ren7 faces Johnny. From the view of Ren7’s visor we see a silhouette of his opponent. Digital letters form on Ren7’s faceplate.
     ANALYSIS-79% Mechanical Organism.
     Assessment- Non-Human Entity
     Ren7 flies through the air, sword drawn. With one lightning stroke he severs Johnny’s hand and the hand sails through the sky still clutching the minibomb. Samael leaps up with a baseball glove extended and catches the hand. A huge  crowd cheers.
Five. Four. Three.
Samael: (holding the hand up to his face)
This tiny thing? What kind of damage could this-
     There is a white flash and a great wind erases the scene. From high above the city it appears a magnificent flower is blooming, spreading as it grows, consuming all in its radius. In the space of a second the buildings, the cars and the trees are all gone. The dust clears on a huge wasteland, a yellow smoking crater devoid of all signs of life. Except one.
     At the center of the crater stands Samael, covered with white dust.
My fault!
Ren7: (standing amid total devastation)
You kids see this? This is why we can’t have anything nice!

     Isaac runs to join the Professor and the Pilot. He holds the severed head of Johnny Punchclock under his arm like a football. Apparently the explosion tore the rest of him apart. Johnny’s mouth is covered with duct tape.
Ren7: Duct tape?
Samael: (shrugs) It was his idea.
Good evening Professor. Where’s Samael?
     Samael limps up, grinding and buzzing. He clearly has sustained damage.
Samael: (smoking a blunt)
What up gangstas? Where’s the keg?
Be on your guard! The Doctor is still at large….
     As if on cue the Doctor materializes, holding a knife on the First Daughter.
We reach a stalemate, (so it seems), you seek to stop my evil dreams. If you wish to save this worthless cow, release the Pilot to me now!
You don’t scare me! You’re probably not even a real doctor….
Haha! Yeah a foot doctor!
No, an evil gynecologist!
All band members double up with laughter.
     The Doctor presses the knife closer and the First Daughter shrieks.
Morons! I will ask this favor just once more, release the Pilot or be sprayed with gore!
He means it! Pilot, go to him!
     The Pilot runs over to Doctor Nobody and the Doctor releases the girl.
At last we reach a new accord, I need the info that he’s stored. With Hammer’s help I’ll reach the past, when all around us….ulp.
     In a blinding flash the Pilot’s claws stretch out and grab the Doctor around the throat. In this case the Doctor has no time to dematerialize and is finally snared.
He’s got ‘im! Pile on!
     All the members tackle the now solid adversary. The Professor quickly snaps a collar into place and bends the Doctor’s hands behind him. The Police arrive, sirens blaring.
Prop him up so we can unmask him.
     Ren7 leans the bound Doctor forward.
Here goes nothing!
     He pulls the first mask off to reveal the face of Rick James!
He’s super-freaky man! Wait! That’s a mask too!
     He pulls off the second mask to reveal the face of Gene Simmons from Kiss! Gene sticks out his tongue.
So that’s where my Cold Gin went! Wait!
     Isaac pulls off the third mask to reveal the face of Howard Stern!
Pilot: (in the voice of Yogi Bear)
Hold on there Baba booey!
     The Pilot pulls off the fourth mask to reveal the Statue of Liberty. He pulls again to reveal Dennis Rodman. He pulls a final time to reveal news anchor Bridget Malmsteen!
Whoa…that s**t is f**ked up!
Things are not what they seem!
Yeah who woulda thought that a hot chick could be a doctor!
     Disclaimer flashes on screen:
     Send Letters of Outrage to:
     Consumer Complaint Division
     Hate Mail and Letter Bombs Dept.
     666 Osbourne Lane
     Old New York, NY 010293
But the mystery remains! How could the Pilot see her physical form when we could not?
It’s elementary you see….a matter of simple physics. In reprogramming the Pilot at Nobody’s Lair, I installed the Feigenbaum Theorem of Fictional Numbers. It enables the Pilot’s capability of collating weather anomalies to analyze a series of microscopic shifts in atmosphere pressure into a hypothetical image.
     The Professor smiles proudly.
See what I mean?
     The robots stare at him blankly. The sound of crickets chirping.
Nope. I sure as f**k don’t!
Hmmm. How typical. Yes, phrased another way, although none of us could see where the Doctor was, the Pilot could calculate where the Doctor was going to be.
     Doctor Nobody kneels before them, struggling against her bonds. Samael leans down and puts a hand on her shoulder.
Doc….I gotta ask ya….why?
No simple cell can hold me fast, you know this now but still you ask. Why did she fashion this black task, what does she look for in the past? My motives are my own you, you see, and must remain a mystery.
But why components for time travel? What were you looking for?
Foolish creature, metal man, you cannot see the things I can. I will be back again to play, Nobody is here to stay!
Alright then, Walt Whitman’s House of Mystery….have it your way. It’s time for a cold one!
     Samael reaches into the Socketmobile and pulls out his favorite beverage, guzzling the whole can of Fish Paralyzer in one foamy gulp.
Samael: (in Homer parody)

The Coronation:

Exterior shot – daylight

     The robots appear live in an outdoor amphitheatre. The members are all shined up and look great. The First Daughter is there, dressed like a whore. Ashley hangs on Samael’s gleaming arm, giggling into his ear. The President fidgets uncomfortably. He looks pissed. With a somber air he begins.

We are here today, as many of you well know, to honor a most unconventional and sometimes irritating group of musicians known as Socket. I stand before you today, honored and a little confused, to present them with our highest award- the Key to the City. Well I guess by now you realize that we are honoring Professor Strange’s little pets even after the devastation they caused to the Pudding District.. Although many argue that the excessive damage inflicted by this so called rescue operation wasn’t worth saving one innocent civilian, I…

The Pres looks at Samael like he wants to slap him. Samael is squeezing Ashley’s ass.

President: (distracted)
…..No longer are they morons to be ridiculed and then ignored, the robots called Socket have proven their, dare I say it , “mettle”.
The band members shift uncomfortably.
Thank you Mister President.
Hurry up d**kface, I got things to do!
Samael leers at the First Daughter.
Samael: (gesturing)
That’s the douche bag that killed my dog!
President: (annoyed)
Let’s not spoil this beautiful spring day with these petty arguments of who killed who, let’s just move on to the part where I get really drunk.
Samael: (finally listening)
Let’s hear him out!
President: (scowling now)
And where once they were considered rude and even obscene, now we applaud their bravery and quick thinking.
The crowd, becoming unruly now, starts swarming the corners of the stage.
President: (shouting)
And though many of us find the idea of a robot rock band ludicrous, even insulting, still we gather to pay homage....
Samael: (interrupting)
Just give up the f**kin’ Key!
The crowd erupts into raucous applause.

The Concert:

     As Ren7 begins the final solo, he lowers a welder’s mask over his face. As his fingers increase speed, sparks fly everywhere.

The Opposition:
Documentary style footage with an air of great seriousness
     Prioress Margaret Trundlethwaite, founder of HARM, (Humans Against Robot Musicians) is circling the arena as the band plays. About twenty friends are with her as they make an oval pattern around the entrance carrying picket signs that say things like “God hates robots” and “unforgiven”.

Man with microphone: (microphone says WPRY)
So Ma’am, why are you picketing here today?
PT: (in deadpan serious voice)
Well and my reasons might be too numerous to list. I know you are not old enough to remember the Simulant uprisings of five forty-nine, but let me assure you, in my day, machines were for driving cars or cooking breakfast, not traipsing around the country chasing stumpets and corrupting the young with those filthy songs. As if Rick James was not enough to worry about, now we have these mechanical jackanapes making a mockery of our culture, our morals and our sense of self-reliance. My late husband Oliver, dead these seven years, God rest his soul, turns in his grave seeing our fair children follow this Highway to Hell.

He was an accordion player you know. Never believed in artificial musicians….or the moon landings, for that matter. That doesn’t matter now, but these robots here, they’re just plain bad.

And the one who thinks he’s the man, with his drinking and whoring. And smoking? It doesn’t even make sense!


     The charismatic lead vocalist of Socket, Ortho is tall and lean, and appears Scandinavian. His eyes are green but flash to red in times of stress. Completely human in appearance, he still looks somewhat androgynous in a Bowie-esque fashion. White clothing. His songwriting is compelling, but his lyrics focus on the flaws of pathetic inferior humans.

     Fully mechanical with an oriental flavor. Head favors a stylized samurai helmet. Gold and silver in color. Somewhat ornate in appearance. No clothing. Ren7 composes ballads of a sweeping classical style, rich with longing and loneliness. Classically trained musician.

The Pilot
     Moves on tank treads. Four arms which swing on two pivots, one at the shoulder level and one smaller set just above the waist. Two huge goggle sized eyes. No mouth. Large antique looking grille speaker at chest level. Brushed aluminum exterior with noticeable wear. Creates a heavy industrial sound with a classic disco/house feel. No lyrics, only intense grinding rhythms and blazing synth riffs.

     Composed mostly of black metal and chrome. Wears concert or No Fat Chicks T-shirts with sleeves torn off and blue jeans. Often wears antique leather biker jacket into battle. Steam-shovel style jaw on large hinge. Musically crude but always engaging, his traditional metal arrangements evoke the bombast of mid- twentieth century hair bands. Lyrically, all his songs revolve around sex in some way, relying on innuendo and flat out vulgarity to make Samael’s compositions the most popular with fans.

The Socketmobile
     The Socketmobile is a fully restored 1956 Chevy Corvette, with red exterior and retractable white canvas top. The vehicle is elongated to easily accommodate eight passengers, with the Pilot installed at the rear to navigate air traffic. Though primarily an atomic air-car, the Socketmobile can adapt to both land and water driving. Samael takes the wheel, though most city flights are pre-programmed by the Pilot. Arguments over the keys and shotgun position are common. Having owned the original internal combustion of the car in his former life, Samael never lets anyone in the driver’s seat under any circumstance. Though by this date, all air cars are fully automated, this version is a four speed manual. In Samael’s words, “Only bitches drive automatics!” 



Act One
     Socket alerted to the crisis of kidnapped First Daughter. Analyzing evidence reveals the crimes of the Loathsome Cadre, a league of villains led by longtime nemesis Dr. Nobody.
Act Two
     Responding to crime scene Socket led into trap designed to steal two items, the Orb of the Forgotten Continuum and the Pilot’s atomic Processor. Professor realizes these two items can be used for time travel. The First Daughter may be in league with Loathsome Cadre.
Act Three
     Professor Strange and Samael appear on a popular talk show to taunt Dr. Nobody into revealing himself. Final confrontation surprises everyone when we learn the Doctor is a woman! After receiving Key to the City, Socket rocks the house!

Character Dipsticks

Substance abusing
New York accent

Straight man

Superiority Complex
James Bond Persona
Drinks Vodka Martinis
English accent

Professor Strange:
Logophile (uses impossibly big words)
Self Promoting
Easily Frustrated
Uses ghetto slang

Dr . Nobody:

“You kids see this? This is why we can’t have anything nice!”
“Homeward Bound-the touching film”