Sunday, July 8, 2007

Redneck Shoots First, Doesn't Ask Questions

September 2nd, 2007- Dallastown PA- Local woman Kimberly Burns sees a prowler in her backyard.
“I was settin’ there, with m’feet propped up on a toothless hound, drinkin’ White Lightnin’ out of an ol’ mayonnaise jar and then I seen him. He was standing there under Verne’s Solar Panel, he was taking the plastic cover off it. He was an ugly bastard too, as ugly as Verne anyway, weird and sorta…. Shiny.”
The frightened old woman then pumped six Remington shots into the unsuspecting creature for self defense, stunning it before it ran off into the woods.
“Since that business with all them astronauts runnin’ loose I keep my shotgun close by…I ain't takin' no chances. That creature? I don’t know what it was…. But it wasn’t human. Buckshot hittin’ it sounded like someone throwin’ bottle caps into a bucket….”
Due to her unfortunate physical appearance, I declined to videotape this interview.

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