Sunday, November 18, 2007

Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere to be Enforced by Robots


July 27th, 2021- Tokyo- In response to the escalating border dispute, Japanese Prime Minister Shigeru Mikami orders 3500 repulsor droids to the Korean province of Takeshima as a “preventative measure.”
The Prime Minister states, “Years of playing Starcraft have resulted in a highly combative and militaristic Korean society. Honorable history has shown us that peace is always attainable, especially when maintained by the threat of robot violence. We humbly suggest that all citizens within the disputed zone simply submit to their friendly mechanical overlords.”

Hmm… well, when you say it like that, it certainly sounds reasonable!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Vive La Astronaute


May 19th, 2021- Baltimore- In a violent midnight coup, Astronaut Separatists seize the ruined city of Baltimore Maryland, declaring the former Capitol an independent Republic. Miscreants and undesirables of all shapes and sizes flock to the Astronaut Banner, finally finding a safe haven from the prejudices of the increasingly volatile and discriminatory U.S. Government. Body Modders, or troubled teens who have cybernetically altered their bodies with machinery, are the first to join the newly founded Federated Astronaut Republic. Following close behind them are the Reverse Vampires, Female Basketball Players and People who drive Hondas.
American President Charles Grodin states in a televised address, “This blatant treason will not stand. All Astronauts must stand down, or be prepared for military intervention.”
FAR Spokesperson Lisa Nowak addresses the growing republic from atop the shattered Capitol Building, shouting from a bullhorn, “If you want Baltimore, come and get it!”

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Smelly Scholar Swears to Salvage Cyborg


January 12th, 2018- Professor Strange offers his assistance in recapturing the renegade alien cyborg known as Isaac. Strange pontificates,
“Such dismal effort on the part of law enforcement requires the application of unconventional tactics to achieve the desired result. I have, shall we say, an unusual interest in recapturing this creature. My credentials in the field of the paranormal should illustrate the depth of my resolve.”

As usual, no one is sure what Strange means, and at least one reporter mentions the Professor’s destruction of Baltimore last year.

“First of all,” states a bystander, “the guy seems to think he’s above the damn law! Blowing up the city was bad enough, but then there is this matter of all those celebrity clones running around… at all hours of the night… and what about the smells coming out of his compound? It’s stomach turning… just who the Hell does he think he is?”
According to Community Activist and well-known busybody Agatha Trundlethwaite,
"I don’t mind the celebritiy clones, and I don’t think anybody misses Baltimore either… but he’s right about that smell. It smells like a burning tire covered with cabbage. Somebody has to stop this guy!”

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Everybody Panic


January 11th, 2018- Washington DC- Unknown Biological Entity escapes from Top Secret Government Holding Facility.

According to USAF Spokesman Roger Bentwater,
“Well, I was getting burned out denying all this anyway. Yes, there was an alien spacecraft that crashed in 2007, and yes, we have been holding him here at Area 52, and yes, the Spice Girls were complicit in the inevitable cover-up. The alien entity’s name is Isaac and he…. Well, he’s loose. And angry. And he has an unhealthy predilection for probing."

At this alarming statement several reporters begin scrambling for the exits, and some draw weapons, forcing Bentwater to admit,

"Look, I don’t like this development any more than you do. I don’t think there’s any need for panic, but civilians may want to cover their anuses.”

This shocking announcement has been brought to you by TrOut Cold Brand Fish Paralyzer. Try one today- The Intestinal Parasites let you know it’s working!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Honey, I Blew Up the Block


November 17th, 2017- Baltimore MD- The Strange Corporation inadvertently destroys half of downtown Baltimore during launch of “Project Wormhole”. Thousands of Marylanders are left slightly more homeless and smellier than before. Strange concedes,
“Certain miscalculations during the creation process created an unstable shift in the anti- matter. It was unfortunate, of course, but keep in mind, it was Baltimore, people…. What’s the big deal?”

Irate survivors immediately call for the arrest and castration of Professor Strange, but Strange vanishes into the Wormhole, taking his Ashlee Simpson CD collection with him. So there is some good news!
Curiously, Mayor of Baltimore Don Soltys describes the city’s mile-long smoking crater as “One hell of an improvement”.

In an unrelated incident, Astronaut Separatists seize the Capitol Building, declaring war on the human race.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Strange Founds Funky Fresh Fellowship


July 11th, 2016- Baltimore MD- In an unprecedented profanity laden interview, Professor Aloysius Strange announces a new business partnership with molecular biologist Andrew Nobody. Strange states:

“Together we plan to rend the very fabric of the universe, just a little at first, but then more as time goes on. Our primary order of business is to clone an army of irradiated sentient plants. Once we smoke these, our real project begins.”

Strange’s choice of partner is surprising to many in the field, due to the extensive history of Nobody’s violent and unpredictable experiments on Hollywood celebrities. As you all remember, it was Nobody who first attempted to synthesize an artificial Britney Spears for his own “personal needs”. The Nearly Spears, as the unfortunate creature became known, attacked a Star Trek convention with a rented ostrich and is currently at large.

“Hey, that wasn’t my fault, “ stated Nobody, “ she was programmed to emulate the real one.”

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Ass Times at Ridgemont High


February 14th, 2016- Dallastown PA- Local Hairdresser Mike Thornton reports to Channel 813 that aliens abducted him over the Valentine’s Day holiday. A known flag desecrator, Thornton claims to have been repeatedly violated by these unknown biological entities.
“ The aliens were obviously trained in the Arts of Sexiness… I was really a little confused. I mean, I am willing to try any new experience, but having an ashtray inserted into my anus can’t possibly teach their alien civilization anything… can it?"

In fairness,” lisps the witness, “the first two times were my idea… but d**n it! No means no!”

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Murphy Eludes Local Police


March 13th, 2016- Baltimore MD- Channel 796 captures grainy videotape of Samuel Murphy at the Vagrant District. The cameraman stands behind a tree and it is raining. There is some light from a nearby streetlamp. The video is poorly lit but the audio is clear.

“What are you looking at?” Sam barks. The rain drips into his face.
“What happened to your face…?” The little boy wants to know. There is a long pause.
“I was in an accident.”
“Oh. Did it hurt?”
The rain pools on Murphy’s black eye sockets.
“Yes….”
“Did it burn of all your skin?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you standing in the rain?”
“It’s raining? So hard to tell….”
“Are you a man?”
He holds his hands out with a clank.
“I think so….”
The sounds of police cars blare in the distance. Sam looks up into the streetlight. For the first time we see his face is clearly metal.
“Seeya kid.” says Murphy, and then he runs into the darkness and out of the shot.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Daily Socket Sells Out....Splitters!


November 16th, 2015- New Sponsor- TrOut Cold Adult Beverage!

Tired of drinking stale Coronas while smoking cheap hand- rolled Turkish Cigarettes? Fed up with waking up in a bus station restroom face down in a puddle of what you hope is your own filth? Me neither, but now there is a new product that does all these things and more! The Strange Compound has begun manufacturing a new and dangerous intoxicant, which promises to destroy the fabric of Time and Space. Best of all, it’s low-carb!

Try the Astronaut’s Choice- TrOut Cold Brand Fish Paralyzer. You won’t be sorry… until later.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Serenity enforced by Robots


April 29th, 2015- Tokyo- Tomo Robotics announces the newest in personal security…. The Tomo Five line of mechanical bodyguards. Only five are commissioned and are assigned immediately to the task of guarding the Emperor. During the Cherry Blossom Ceremony, they are clearly vigilant and menacing. The civilian populace appears uneasy at this development.
“Domestic violence must be curbed,” drones a Tomo spokesman, “even if it involves some brutality.”

This announcement makes no sense, even to the Japanese, which is saying quite a bit.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Construction Approved


July 4th, 2014- York PA- Construction begins on the aptly named Strange Compound, former site of Simulated Meat Products Quality Sausage Manufacturing and Disposal Facility. Local interests are inflamed when Professor is interviewed in a raunchy magazine stating that he plans to “create synthetic life”.

Just what the hell does that mean?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Is Murphy Real?


February 2nd, 2013- Baltimore MD- “Half-a-Man" Murphy Sighted!
A local sewage worker claims to have seen the missing Samuel Murphy in a nightclub Saturday night. According to Aurelius Johnson,
“Yeah, motherf**er I sees him, its him cause motherf***er I know he drinks the Molsons, and that’s what the brother drink, and he has his collar all pulled up tighty and s**t. And motherf***er he’s got this big goddam raincoat on and I know its him and I says Murphy, Murphy! I knows that’s you and then he turns and damnnnn….. that ain ‘t no man under there no more. His face is metal motherf***er . That there ain’t no man at all, that there’s not even motherf***in’ Half A man!

Intrepid Reporter Eggs Geeky Professor


Oct 1st, 2012- Real Estate Settlement Concluded.
After heated opposition from all clear thinking community groups, the estate of the Lazarus Farm has been sold to Professor Aloysius Strange, the same Aloysius Strange currently under indictment for Identity Fraud and Treason. Oh, and fishmongering.
In a televised interview, Strange states, “ I’ve always desired a diminutive domicile to call my own. A white picket fence, a neural accelerator… a few gravity benders and…. it’s just like home.”
Then an unidentified reporter threw an egg. I couldn't help myself. I hate that guy.

Violence in Tokyo.... Again


April 29th, 2011- Tokyo- Emperor of Japan Survives Attack by Right Wing Extremists.
In a terrifying seventeen minute ordeal, the RED HAND conspiracy attacks Emperor Akishino, slaughtering fourteen bodyguards before the Mikado found refuge in the Safe Room. Incensed Nationalists vow to never forget this day, forming a cabal of dedicated security squads.
Eleven of these men are heads of manufacturing, barons of robotics and software. The Asahi Shimbun reveals Nintendo and Sony will collaborate on a new thermal targeting weapon system- one that can be enjoyed by the whole family!

Spice Girls Reunion Delayed Indefinitely, America Rejoices


September 10th, 2007- York PA- A Greyhound bus filled with infected Rhesus Monkeys overturns on Route 83, snarling traffic and interrupting the Spice Girls Reunion concert. The U.S. Air Force orders an immediate evacuation for York and Adams Counties.
“A single bite can cause death, paralysis, juggler’s despair or even permanent bromidrosis. This will all be over in a few days,” claims spokesman Peter Mandate. “To ensure public safety, we are relocating all civilians immediately. Why not take this time to visit sunny Florida? Though dangerously close to Cape Canaveral, at least there are less infected Rhesus Monkeys.”

Black vans arrive in shifts to assist a resistant population with their “relocation”.

Redneck Shoots First, Doesn't Ask Questions

September 2nd, 2007- Dallastown PA- Local woman Kimberly Burns sees a prowler in her backyard.
“I was settin’ there, with m’feet propped up on a toothless hound, drinkin’ White Lightnin’ out of an ol’ mayonnaise jar and then I seen him. He was standing there under Verne’s Solar Panel, he was taking the plastic cover off it. He was an ugly bastard too, as ugly as Verne anyway, weird and sorta…. Shiny.”
The frightened old woman then pumped six Remington shots into the unsuspecting creature for self defense, stunning it before it ran off into the woods.
“Since that business with all them astronauts runnin’ loose I keep my shotgun close by…I ain't takin' no chances. That creature? I don’t know what it was…. But it wasn’t human. Buckshot hittin’ it sounded like someone throwin’ bottle caps into a bucket….”
Due to her unfortunate physical appearance, I declined to videotape this interview.

Did Astronauts Shoot Holes In Weather Balloon?


Aug 30th, 2007- Dallastown PA- Experimental weather balloon crashes during a freak lightning storm. A witness on the scene states,
“Yeah, I seen it. Me and my cousin Wayne was there. It was a saucer though man, just like in the tv. There was smoke coming off it and it was sorta wobbling, then there was this huge explosion, man there was s**t everywhere. It was awesome!”
Local Air Force Spokesman Roger Bentwater disagrees.
"Please ignore the deranged ramblings of this guitar playing pothead. As our study clearly shows, chain lightning struck the falling weather balloon as reflections of Venus glanced off the ionosphere. So there is nothing to see here. Go back to watching Oprah!”

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Gamma Powered Super Apes Nearly Enslave Us All


September 19th, 2007- Cape Canaveral FL- NASA unveils the HAMR- 19 series of mechanical space shuttle pilots. Reaction to the new product is decidedly mixed.
According to Corporal Matthew Bradshaw, “It was really the only way we could figure to continue the Space Program. Repeated incidents of astronaut related violence really has America freaking out right now. It was either use robots, or go back to the damn chimps. However, careful data analysis suggested that dangerous cosmic rays could potentially transform the chimps into superpowered simian Overlords bent on Galactic Domination. I think we can all agree that this “Ape Supremacy” scenario is totally as scary as any diaper-wearing astronaut on a tri-state killing spree. Therefore, the only chance for humanity’s survival was to invent the High Altitude Mechanical Repair series.”
These “Pilots” are also available for commercial applications from United Robotics.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Nothing to see here

Aug 22nd. All reporters out sick.

Strange Fired from General Mercy under Suspicious, Smelly Cloud


Aug 21st 2007- Surgeon Aloysius Strange is fired from GM under suspicious circumstances. Reporters swarm as he exits the GM building.
“In the years to come you all will see I was undeniably correct in my assumptions, both philosophically and mechanically. All my calculations are unerringly accurate.”
No one could tell what he meant, and it was lunchtime anyway, so all reporters went and got Thai Food to celebrate Reporter’s Day.

Update!


Aug 19th 2007- Samuel Murphy has escaped from General Mercy Hospital. Attendant supposed to be guarding him claims Murphy got him drunk while they were watching Project Runway, and the Murphy escaped while the intern was passed out. The intern said:
“He’s cool, we was laughin and having a good time. He said he like screwed the girl on that show and everything, and that he used to bang girls like that all the time when he was on the road and everything.”

Murphy Insults Media, Doctors



Aug 19th- In a telephone interview, Samuel Murphy addresses the press.
“You bastards all need to get out of my face, all you d**n doctors too.”
Then there were sounds of a scuffle, and then the sounds… of silence. Fool, said I, you do not know.

Who is Samuel Murphy?


Aug 16th 2007- Brooklyn NY- At midnight press conference, Surgeon Strange refuses to give comment to the press, and speculation abounds about highly controversial neural surgery. Police find evidence of doctored records. Most disturbingly, most of Mr. Murphy’s body is also found. The possibility is raised that the patient beneath the bandages is actually not that of Mr. Murphy. The New York Catholic Church demands an inquiry.
Angry words are exchanged at pancake houses.

Limo Driver Gives Death the Finger


Aug 15th 2007- Brooklyn NY- In a bizarre reversal of yesterday’s post, accident victim Samuel Murphy’s condition has been upgraded from dead to alive. Resident Doctor A. Strange performs experimental surgery, apparently successfully. Authorities have the matter under investigation. Patient Samuel Murphy remains under heavy sedation, apparently caused by his own Molson intake before the accident two days ago.

The Socket Chronicles


Aug 13th 2006- Brooklyn NY- Local man Samuel Murphy loses control of rented limousine on 7th avenue and causes horrific crash. Paramedics rushed to the scene but flames from spilled liquor bottles helped delay medical assistance. Murphy was pronounced dead at 2:45 at General Mercy Hospital. Mr. Murphy is survived by a wife, Maxine and a son Patrick.
Mrs Murphy was briefly glimpsed on channel 97, stating “ I’m glad he’s gone. It’s just like that selfish bastard to go out like this…. Thank the Lord he wasn’t with that whore!”
Memorial Services will be held at Vonnegut’s Funeral Home August 15th. Other than owners of local strip clubs, Murphy had no mourners to speak of. Donations may be made to Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.